Life comes full circle - A walk down Greenways Road Chennai

New Directions in which life shall run henceforth.........

I have finally decided, I am going to get myself a Microwave with convection and grilling options. That's it. I'm done with all the dilly dallying and constant weighing of the Pros and Cons. I'm getting myself one and that is final!

I have been spurred into this flurry of action after reading "Julie and Julia" by Julie Powell. I am going to start baking in earnest. Seriously!

My new writing nook

I have finally created a writing nook for myself. Here's a dekko at it. The table is from Fabindia, the table cloth from the same place, the knick knacks from Happily unmarried, IITF - 2010, Dubai, etc and the bookends also from Hapily Unmarried. Yay ME!

The uncanny similarity between books

Deja Vu, the feeling of undergoing the same experience again. Very weird but there you have it.
I had this horrible feeling of Deja Vu when I was reading Maeenakshi Reddy Madhavan's "Confessions of a Listomaniac" - The similarity between this book and Meg Cabot's iconic "The Princess Diaries" is beyond uncanny.
I had this increasingly horrid feeling of reading through a car crash between Meenakshi's early blog posts and the above mentioned books by Meg.
If it's unintentional then it's probably excusable but I had this sinking feeling that the whole thing had been done quite intentionally. I'm risking being sued for Libel but hello, the books totally, totally read the same - only difference Meenakshi's protagonist is not a Princess but a Delhi teenager and really bizarre Delhi teenager.
Am I the only one who sees this?

5 things I hate about Indian Gyms

1. U can't wear shorts and not get stared at, even a guy in shorts gets stared at!
2.Gay guys touching you on the pretext of teaching you the "correct way" to do an exercise
3.Self proclaimed gym instructors and their whacky outdated fundae
4. Stupidity and ignorance compounded by the fact that no one has heard ofMen's Health
5.The presence of a female, no matter how stupid turns it into a testosterone factory!

Of Goodbyes and Hellos

Why is it so hard to say Goodbye? When it's so easy to say Hello? We simply trot out the words -"Hi! How're u doing to any and everyone." Then one thing leads to another and Bam! They are a part of you life. And before you know it, you're chattering away nineteen to the dozen and then? Then what? One fine day - it's time to say good bye.
The day dawns bright and clear and then the sky is overcast with bits of white fluffy clouds and you think, Oh hell, I have to say goodbye! The tears fall faster than the raindrops, tissues don't suffice.
You mope, you be depressed and then...... " Hi! How're u doing?"

The Thirteenth Tale

The title of this post is also the title of the Novel that I re - read over the last few days. By Dianne Setterfield, the Novel covers many topics, love, longing, bonding between twins, secrets, incest, betrayal, truth and much more besides. What I like the most about the novel and what I find most interesting is the self depreciating criticism that Dianne pokes at writers and the art of writing.
It takes a good deal of courage to admit albeit even obliquely that essentially one's gift lies in the basis of one's ability to lie.
Falsehoods in any form are falsehoods and are generally viewed with distaste. But look around you today and you will find that people are enamored with lies - in the form of movies, books, advertising - rosy dreams and promises of better tomorrows that will seldom if ever come true.
And yet we tolerate these falsehoods much better than we would tolerate the falsehoods of our lovers, friends and family. Little white lies that comfort us and protect us but seldom are told with bad intentions at heart. We find them distasteful. Butt we are willing to accept the nice plump fabrications that passes for pop culture in the form Novels, books, Short stories, movies, etc.

An open question to any readers that I might have - Why do we feel hurt by white lies told by loved ones but find comfort in the huge blatant fabrications that society inflicts on us?

Of finding small puddles to splash

The Monsoon finally arrived. Days of heat - searing, biting,sticky, unbearable; plethora of mindnumbingly negative emotions, things that no sane man would want to endure, that horrible feeling where your skin felt like it was on fire and your insides felt icky.
Food was an abhorence and cool sweet water felt like ambrosia. The sheer temperature enough to close your mind to better prospects and all you felt like doing was sleep.
Then came the rain and washed the dust away. The heat evaporated along with the first few rain drops that came splashing down.
And then rejuvenated you went looking for puddles to splash in, because life had given you a rainy day.......

The unbearable feeling when non being outweighs being

Each time I come to the home town I come with that feeling that maybe this time around I'll feel better. I'll accomplish something and come away wiser, smarter, stronger.
I always come back feeling icky. Why is that?

Have you had your heart broken?

It was one of those days. When I was generally a bit down and there seemed little to charm me or my wandering attention span. Finding myself adrift on a sea of emotions is generally a very non happening feeling for me. I find that it makes me very icky and i feel pretty much pissed off with life.
Unfortunately someone called me at that very moment. Someone I'd wanted to talk to for a very long time. And midway into the conversation or as the other person called it - sparring joust, they asked me,"Have you ever had your heart broken?"
And as usual I said,"To have your heart broken, you need to possess a heart in the first place."
And that was a lie. I've had my heart broken, innumerable times. By each and every person I came across. Each person that I'd wanted to befriend but they foudn me too difficult to handle, each person whom I wanted to love forever and all they wanted was to move on, each person whom I wanted shoudl listen to me but who wanted to talk. Yes I've had my heart broken. In innumerable places and in innumerable ways.
Now all that's left is a small patch work of veins and arteries and flesh. A huge gaping hole with a few fragments of soft tissue and sinew, that helps keep me alive but that still has hope and a little sugar to keep it going.
Maybe I was right the first time my friend, I do not have a heart, I have a small,torn, fragmented piece of flesh that passes for a heart. And now if it gets broken again there will be nothing left and then without hope i shall die. Die of a broken heart. And I want to live.
My defense mechanism keeps me alive. Understand that and move on. Otherwise you will break what's left of it and leave me gasping for breath.

The possibilities are endless.......

Launching yourself off a ledge is a liberating experience. Metaphorically and literally. Accepting that things need to be changed is the first step, gearing yourself to jump is the second, the third is when you actually jump. You spread your wings and fly. Untill gravity does its work and brings you back down to reality.

Some days go well others are a huge disappointment. then comes the day when what you're looking for comes into your hands and then finally disintegrates. Bcoz not only was it made of foam and fluff but it was beyond your reach in the first place. Your huge solid hands did not know what delicacy meant and th emore you try to catch that ephemeral chimera the more it disappears. All you have are cuts and burns.

Gradually and slowly the pain goes away, and then as is your nature you decide that it is once more time to change. At this point some people give up. Not me. I just gather up the feathers and put the pieces back together and poise myself on the ledge once more.

I don't see the abyss, I don't look for safety nets, I just see the sea of endless possibilities and jump....

Sometimes you just get stuck

I discover soemthing new about myself everyday. Sometimes it's a tiny little bump on my arm at other times I find that I've grown to hate certain foods that I was totally into.

Today I found out that I can do anything that I put my mind to, just about anything. I also discovered that there is so much that I don't actually know. I am a person who wants to test the boundaries of his own imagination and yet he doesn't have a clue to what those boundaries actually are.

My life has been a series of ups and downs, but at the same time I've simply stood by and let myself be taken on the roller coaster ride. I also find that I've enjoyed the ride.

Some new books hav efound their way onto my shelf -

• Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar"
• Kalpana Swaminathan's "The Monchrome Madonna"
• W B Yeats' " Collected Poems"

Yeah, Orna Ross' " A Dance in Time" left me with this yearning to read Yeats. More like a burning desire so to speak.

That happened to me once before. When I read through Michael Cunnigham's " The Hours " at breakneck speed and then didn't rest untill I bought myself an overpriced copy of Virginia Woolf's "Mrs. Dalloway"

Weird but then that's way I've been I guess.

Finding yourself in a sea of madness

There are days when I feel like I've been cast adrift
There are days when I feel like I've been pushed over
then there are days when my choices mingle with regrets and I feel sad
And I don't know even if I think forever,
Today I'm blue, And I know it's you,
You've made my blue eyes blue..........

New day, new post

Here is a list of things that have been keeping me busy -

• New Friendships
• Avoiding / Severing ties with old relationships
• Assignments at work
• Impromptu shopping trips
• Life itself!

Finished reading "The Missing Rose" - a tale about finding yourself and finding peace within and without.

Bought new clothes, new shoe rack and other sundry stuff

Wrote a story under another pseudonym for the Peguin India "One amazing thing" contest

Bought and read a copy of Rahul Mehta's "Quarantine" and hated it because not a single story provided any kind of gratification

Had a massive fight with my Sister, doubt if I'll ever talk to her again.

Bye for now.

Madras Musings - 3

I'm back in Madras. I've been here since the 31st. Had to go to various places for Campus interviews and so far it's been a massive washout. Maybe it's me, maybe it's the moon, maybe it's just a bad time to be going for Campuses but what the hell ever it is, it's not funny anymore. All that effort and absolutely no results. Period.

Coming to relationships I've been through some interesting times. I've lost my Maternal Grandpa, Found a new friend (Henceforth referred to as 'Dude') who's suffered as much as I have and has lost faith in relationships, My on again off again best friend is in off mode at the moment and looks like thing will remain in off mode permanently. I just got tired of being the back up guy. It was weird.

With regards to Grandpa, I just don't get it. It is really weird. I didn't feel anything. I know that he hated me and for all the wrong reasons, but I was surprised by my own reaction. I didn't bother to cry and I didn't even bother to call my Naani.

I'm not speaking to my Dad either. He fucked me over again. He went around looking for a house for his dear Father in Law number two while I've been crying myself hoarse begging him to do something about my dead Mother's stuff which has been either lying in storage or has been misused by the Bitch (Read Stepmom.)

Know what? I got him some really beautiful Kurta Pyjamas for the recent functions in the family and the Bitch didn't let wear those either. I'm poorer by 10 grand and the weirdo prefers to kiss her cunt. God what I do to deserve these jerks?

I tried to cry when I heard that Naanaji died. Even rubbed my eyes with a cut onion. Nada. Nix. Nyen. Nyet. Nothing. I just did not cry. Maybe it is because I don't have a single happy memory of him. When I was little he used to bite my cheeks and I would have huge teeth marks for days. I hated going near him. As I grew older I was constantly compared to my cousins and sundry other kids even though I was ahead of them in every way. He'd always make me feel inferior. I'm not glad he's dead, I just don't care...........

I went shopping as usual. Have a list to complete. Bought a classic Black messenger bag from Spazio that's located across the Sheraton Towers in Adiyar / Alwarpeta. Also found the perfect Ink Pen from Pelikan in the Pen Store in the Departures lounge of the Delhi Airport. Didn't buy it though. Little on the expensive side. I did get myself a new leather pen holder that can accomodate three pens for my existing collection of Ink Pens.

Went to FunkJazz again to savor it's amazing doughnuts. Dude and I started out at 8 p.m. last night and were out till 1 a.m. Went all over Madras in his car. Also realised that there are truly fucked up people in the world, much more messed up than I am.

The novel hasn't progressed much. Want it move ahead though. Wish things would move and move fast.

Leaving Madras tomorrow. Back to Gurgaon. Would be going to the Hometown later this week. Till then...........

List of stuff I'm going to get this year

Okay, here it is, my wish list -

• Diamond Ring
• Laptop
• Fridge
• Six pack abs
• A home - maybe
• A partner - someone who also believes in no strings attached relationships
• Microwave
• Cookie cutters
• Chocolate chips
• Cool clothes
• Really beautiful ink pen
• Black Leather Messenger Bag
• Microwave

Of this and that and everything in between.........

A lot has been going on lately. I've joined a french class that I'm cutting today for the sheer heck of it, I've been to th ehometown and back again, got a proposal from a girl who's two years older than I am, been fucked by my family again, also picked up some kind of bug that seems to be medicine resistant and is making my life hell.

Also finished reading the Bitch Goddess Notebook and that was an experience unto itself.

Enugh updates. More later when I 'm better.