Anger is an irrational emotion. One that is best avoided. It more often than not arises out of being hurt, and as we all know it is so easy to be hurt - by people you love, by people you care about, by people who are no longer there and yes it is their absence more than anything else that hurts and makes you angry. Needless to say I am very, very angry today.
I got engaged to someone of my parents' choosing way back in 2009, (seems like ages ago), and owing to an unfortunate combination of events, (let me be honest - the bitch was involved with someone else), I ultimately had to call it quits. Since then I've come close to saying yes to another one of their choices but then some inkling of it not being quite right would stop me. And I never regretted it because they weren't right. Always being hooked to somebody else or there would be other issues in the offing.
It's been a very long time but now I'm 31, (over the hill and useless as my Naani is so fond of reminding me), and single. I'd like to be happy in my own space, but that's never going to happen. My current set of parents, (Mum number 1 died when I was 8 years old, Mum number 2 made Cinderella's stepmom look good for quite some time before mellowing down with age), will never be happy with me being single. My Sister will always feel like it's my fault for being too choosy / pricey / demanding......list goes on. My assorted relatives will bombard my parents with awkward questions about my sexuality and cast aspersions on my mental / emotional health with unbridled relish. And I'm helpless. I'm simply a nice guy who didn't go looking for love because he wanted to uphold his parents' wishes and dignity. And never wanted anyone to be able to say that just because my Mum wasn't around I strayed and threw my morals out of the window at the first opportunity.
And now it seems like I was wrong in doing so. Maybe playing by the rules wasn't required. And I was foolish enough to do that.
Either way i'm in a catch 22 situation and there's nothing short of a miracle that will make things alright. and yes I am angry. With my self, my sense of responsibility, my innate goodness and most of all with my Mum. She's dead and her absence has only made things worse every step of the way. I'm angry to the point of saying that if she weren't dead I would have treated her like she was because there is absolutely no logic and no law in the world that says that if you play by the rules you lose...and that was not the lesson she ingrained in me....All I want to do right now is scream at her once - why the hell did you teach me to be good???? and that is why I am angry today....
I got engaged to someone of my parents' choosing way back in 2009, (seems like ages ago), and owing to an unfortunate combination of events, (let me be honest - the bitch was involved with someone else), I ultimately had to call it quits. Since then I've come close to saying yes to another one of their choices but then some inkling of it not being quite right would stop me. And I never regretted it because they weren't right. Always being hooked to somebody else or there would be other issues in the offing.
It's been a very long time but now I'm 31, (over the hill and useless as my Naani is so fond of reminding me), and single. I'd like to be happy in my own space, but that's never going to happen. My current set of parents, (Mum number 1 died when I was 8 years old, Mum number 2 made Cinderella's stepmom look good for quite some time before mellowing down with age), will never be happy with me being single. My Sister will always feel like it's my fault for being too choosy / pricey / demanding......list goes on. My assorted relatives will bombard my parents with awkward questions about my sexuality and cast aspersions on my mental / emotional health with unbridled relish. And I'm helpless. I'm simply a nice guy who didn't go looking for love because he wanted to uphold his parents' wishes and dignity. And never wanted anyone to be able to say that just because my Mum wasn't around I strayed and threw my morals out of the window at the first opportunity.
And now it seems like I was wrong in doing so. Maybe playing by the rules wasn't required. And I was foolish enough to do that.
Either way i'm in a catch 22 situation and there's nothing short of a miracle that will make things alright. and yes I am angry. With my self, my sense of responsibility, my innate goodness and most of all with my Mum. She's dead and her absence has only made things worse every step of the way. I'm angry to the point of saying that if she weren't dead I would have treated her like she was because there is absolutely no logic and no law in the world that says that if you play by the rules you lose...and that was not the lesson she ingrained in me....All I want to do right now is scream at her once - why the hell did you teach me to be good???? and that is why I am angry today....
