Have you had your heart broken?

It was one of those days. When I was generally a bit down and there seemed little to charm me or my wandering attention span. Finding myself adrift on a sea of emotions is generally a very non happening feeling for me. I find that it makes me very icky and i feel pretty much pissed off with life.
Unfortunately someone called me at that very moment. Someone I'd wanted to talk to for a very long time. And midway into the conversation or as the other person called it - sparring joust, they asked me,"Have you ever had your heart broken?"
And as usual I said,"To have your heart broken, you need to possess a heart in the first place."
And that was a lie. I've had my heart broken, innumerable times. By each and every person I came across. Each person that I'd wanted to befriend but they foudn me too difficult to handle, each person whom I wanted to love forever and all they wanted was to move on, each person whom I wanted shoudl listen to me but who wanted to talk. Yes I've had my heart broken. In innumerable places and in innumerable ways.
Now all that's left is a small patch work of veins and arteries and flesh. A huge gaping hole with a few fragments of soft tissue and sinew, that helps keep me alive but that still has hope and a little sugar to keep it going.
Maybe I was right the first time my friend, I do not have a heart, I have a small,torn, fragmented piece of flesh that passes for a heart. And now if it gets broken again there will be nothing left and then without hope i shall die. Die of a broken heart. And I want to live.
My defense mechanism keeps me alive. Understand that and move on. Otherwise you will break what's left of it and leave me gasping for breath.

The possibilities are endless.......

Launching yourself off a ledge is a liberating experience. Metaphorically and literally. Accepting that things need to be changed is the first step, gearing yourself to jump is the second, the third is when you actually jump. You spread your wings and fly. Untill gravity does its work and brings you back down to reality.

Some days go well others are a huge disappointment. then comes the day when what you're looking for comes into your hands and then finally disintegrates. Bcoz not only was it made of foam and fluff but it was beyond your reach in the first place. Your huge solid hands did not know what delicacy meant and th emore you try to catch that ephemeral chimera the more it disappears. All you have are cuts and burns.

Gradually and slowly the pain goes away, and then as is your nature you decide that it is once more time to change. At this point some people give up. Not me. I just gather up the feathers and put the pieces back together and poise myself on the ledge once more.

I don't see the abyss, I don't look for safety nets, I just see the sea of endless possibilities and jump....

Sometimes you just get stuck

I discover soemthing new about myself everyday. Sometimes it's a tiny little bump on my arm at other times I find that I've grown to hate certain foods that I was totally into.

Today I found out that I can do anything that I put my mind to, just about anything. I also discovered that there is so much that I don't actually know. I am a person who wants to test the boundaries of his own imagination and yet he doesn't have a clue to what those boundaries actually are.

My life has been a series of ups and downs, but at the same time I've simply stood by and let myself be taken on the roller coaster ride. I also find that I've enjoyed the ride.

Some new books hav efound their way onto my shelf -

• Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar"
• Kalpana Swaminathan's "The Monchrome Madonna"
• W B Yeats' " Collected Poems"

Yeah, Orna Ross' " A Dance in Time" left me with this yearning to read Yeats. More like a burning desire so to speak.

That happened to me once before. When I read through Michael Cunnigham's " The Hours " at breakneck speed and then didn't rest untill I bought myself an overpriced copy of Virginia Woolf's "Mrs. Dalloway"

Weird but then that's way I've been I guess.