Bangalore Blues

Another city, another time, another place. Memories of times gone by. Of Good times and bad. I know the bio reads Gurgaon but that is no longer true. We shifted to Bangalore a couple of months ago. The Job brought us here to the city of boiled beans and lush green gardens and since then much like a lot of the roads here our life has turned one-directional.

The people are less aggressive, much less in your face. But then at the same time, there is a subtle calculation - a weighing - measuring - assessing that goes on continuously and refuses to let up until there is a slot you fit into. People in Gurgaon are harder, but then they are also more transparent. Here everything has veneer of mist and fog - even the shop windows.

There was a time when I would have welcomed the hill station like quality of the place. Now it makes me long even more for the dusty bylanes and the crackling cold winters of the north. At least the seasons have a rhythm there, now - much like the residents - the days start of cold, acquire a transient warmth and end dark.

The coffee has a taste of it's own, no kick, no flavor - just a mild sense of nuttiness and the last thing that it does is wake you up. Sleepy and slow. that just about describes everything here.

Am I looking back with rose tinted glasses? Am i tired of the movement and the upheaval? Am I tired of thinking if only? I ask myself a lot of questions and  go through a lot of introspection but at the end of the day I am still back to square one. I miss home. I miss the north.

Today I am in no mood to enumerate the positives of Bangalore. Today I will curl up in my comforter and pretend that I am in the middle of the northern winter, pretend that I am back home. Pretend that it is cold outside and that my only savior is a warm glass of ginger chai and jeera biscuits.

Just for today....

And I chose to be an HR Guy....

I sit here in my secluded corner seat. What I do all day is a mystery to people here, they think I do nothing and enjoy myself. They know me as the go to guy, Mr. Dependable, Mr. Reliable, solver of problems, manager of issues - i'm the HR person. The person that does the thankless jobs and the useless stuff and yet manages to greet them with a smile.I'm a part of the service industry after all. I'm part of the brigade that's always supposed to be smiling. I'm right up there with air hostesses, restaurant staff and counter people. I'm supposed to be friendly, courteous, helpful and dignity personified.But no one gets my plight.

Every year between January and June comes the time that every one eagerly anticipates but is the HR person's worst nightmare - appraisal season. Once the letters are out to what extent will they be unhappy? and will it extend to their exiting? Mother hen instincts are at their sharpest and damage control strategies are all chalked out. To hell with succession planning, prevention of poaching is the main objective here.

A combination of roles are required to be played, move over Meryl Streep - the friendly neighbourhood HR guy is here. We are ready to switch from sympathetic listener, (Yes, its sooooo unfair that despite your 2 hour lunch breaks and your general tardiness your boss still gave you a 15% increment), to Daddy giving good advice, (Trust me, you will not be happy there, they will not turn a blind eye to your sloppy dressing like we did for 3 whole years, they won't understand what a free spirit you are), to confidante, (Tell me, between you and me, just how much are you selling out for????), to jilted lover, (You still won't stay??? Even after we promised to promote you next year IFF and ONLY IFF you pull up your socks and actually work.....) - we do it all with such panache that the reigning kings and queens of the marquee would weep with shame.

Method acting, we'll give you method acting. Acting sympathetic while all the while praying that the idiot you've been hoping against hope would leave actually does do so requires a discipline so rigid that you could end up with muscle spasms and migraines combined.

But that's post the letter. Don't get me started on the pre - letter phase. When everyone expects to get promoted. Each and everyone even the worst slacker suddenly picks up pace and stays till 10 pm to get the job done. The HR team becomes the subject of speculation - he's being extra nice to that man, is he going to be the next Head of Department???? He hasn't answered any of her questions, is she being asked to leave.
And the most trying of them all - the dickhead you absolutely hate who hasn't got a great increment and you're dying to fling it in his face but you can't.

Then there's the abominable nags - the ones who'll give anything to know how much they've got - from trying to surprise you with baseless numbers to saying stuff like,"I'll say some numbers and when I get to the one that I've got u smile okay? That way I know and you are safe." I mean seriously what part of the word "Confidential" don't you get???

Once the madness is over comes the most annoying part - you HR guys are sooooo lucky, you have no work at all......

The path to hell is definitely paved with good intentions

Okay - note to self here - DO NO TALK TO YOUR PARENTS. They do not know what your role involves and what you do on a day to day basis. It is next to Impossible for them to understand and they are not going to ever get what exactly is your job. So in all fairness, do not attempt to talk to them about it. they know you did your engineering and they know you did an MBA but they do not know what you do day to day.

Sad but true. If you talk to them about the challenges you face on a day to day basis, they will only get worried, lose sleep and then do something that in their minds will  be for the best but will not help you in any way and will only put you in a Catch 22 situation.

So Nikihil, next time you're tempted to talk to your parents, read this blog post. Because the path to hell is definitely paved with good intentions. Look back and you'll realise that yes, the path that led you where you are is littered with the carcasses of good intentions past.

Anger

Anger is an irrational emotion. One that is best avoided. It more often than not arises out of being hurt, and as we all know it is so easy to be hurt - by people you love, by people you care about, by people who are no longer there and yes it is their absence more than anything else that hurts and makes you angry. Needless to say I am very, very angry today.

I got engaged to someone of my parents' choosing way back in 2009, (seems like ages ago), and owing to an unfortunate combination of events, (let me be honest - the bitch was involved with someone else), I ultimately had to call it quits. Since then I've come close to saying yes to another one of their choices but then some inkling of it not being quite right would stop me. And I never regretted it because they weren't right. Always being hooked to somebody else or there would be other issues in the offing.

It's been a very long time but now I'm 31, (over the hill and useless as my Naani is so fond of reminding me), and single. I'd like to be happy in my own space, but that's never going to happen. My current set of parents, (Mum number 1 died when I was 8 years old, Mum number 2 made Cinderella's stepmom look good for quite some time before mellowing down with age), will never be happy with me being single. My Sister will always feel like it's my fault for being too choosy / pricey / demanding......list goes on. My assorted relatives will bombard my parents with awkward questions about my sexuality and cast aspersions on my mental / emotional health with unbridled relish. And I'm helpless. I'm simply a nice guy who didn't go looking for love because he wanted to uphold his parents' wishes and dignity. And never wanted anyone to be able to say that just because my Mum wasn't around I strayed and threw my morals out of the window at the first opportunity.

And now it seems like I was wrong in doing so. Maybe playing by the rules wasn't required. And I was foolish enough to do that.

Either way i'm in a catch 22 situation and there's nothing short of a miracle that will make things alright. and yes I am angry. With my self, my sense of responsibility, my innate goodness and most of all with my Mum. She's dead and her absence has only made things worse every step of the way. I'm angry to the point of saying that if she weren't dead I would have treated her like she was because there is absolutely no logic and no law in the world that says that if you play by the rules you lose...and that was not the lesson she ingrained in me....All I want to do right now is scream at her once - why the hell did you teach me to be good???? and that is why I am angry today....

The curse of competence

I love reading Dilbert comics. They're utterly, screamingly funny and make me laugh out loud. The subtle irony is usually very true. While I don't remember all the ones that I read I do remember a particular comic that I didn't laugh at. The subject matter was the curse of competence. Dilbert is good at his job. He does a great job and his only reward is to be simply saddled with even more work, more work than he can handle. The comic ends with a panel of Dilbert in pain ruing the day he was saddled with the curse of competence.

The past few weeks I've wondered. Am I too cursed by my competence in a given field? Is my competence the reason for my unhappiness. Should I let it go? Switch to a completely different field of work?

I wonder, how do the not so competent survive? Is it possible to coast through life knowing full well that you have no idea of what is going on and how things are moving ahead? Is ignorance truly bliss? I know that there are no easy answers and in hindsight you always wish that you knew then what know now. One always feels at the end of the day that had I known then what I now know things would have been different.

No matter however much you apply your head, there will never be a substitute for experience and for the knowledge born of facing hard times and making difficult choices. No matter how hard you try or how hard you attempt to secure your fate along comes another question and another sense of uncertainty to disrupt it.

I always felt blessed by my ability to pick up things,  to learn fast but today at least I am too ruing the day I was cursed with competence....

and then life decides to surprise you...

Today was one of those days. You know you're not ready to face an Audit. You know things are screwed up at your end. You know you're shaking in your shoes. And then life decides to surprise you. The Auditor is ill, he only asks forthose crucial dox that you can provide, he doesn't harass you unduly....

It was one of those days. You've been following up for weeks. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight. The tunnel seems to stretch endlessly. You pull out your cellphone thrice to make another call. and just as you think of it again, it rings and you hear what you've been waiting to hear for so long....

It was one of those days. You sent off a message to your Boss asking for a day off. He calls asking what happened? You tell him and he offers to fly down and help. You're left speechless by the gesture. He's not the best but he ain't the worst....

And then you go down to dinner expecting the same slop. You ask what's for dinner and find that the cook has decided to make Chhole Chawal. With a side helping of freshly set Dahi. You eat and before you sleep you remember the good things that happened today and are grateful to the almighty for whatever you have experienced today.

Because today, life decided to surprise you....

It's almost 2 a.m.and the rain is here to keep me company

Welcome old friend. We've known each other a long time haven't we? Fom the day that I first became aware of you as you caressed my cheek to the day you helped me hide my grief to the present as I wait and count each day as it gets over....finding bits of shiny joy wrapped in brown paper and string in the most unlikely places.

We have traversed many paths together, sometimes in joy and sometimes in sadness. We've been through thick and thin, companions on a road that takes us where it is destined for us to be. You don't change much - your essence remains the same. Life resides within you and the relief that you bring is palpable. Your intensity varies but your intention remains unwavering, stead as a rock.

Once more you are here to keep me company as I traverse the landscape of my solitude. Once again you make your presence felt - a tapping on the window pane, a clatter on the metal sheet of the AC. And I am again grateful that you have come - the fragrance that the earth releases wafts in - promising cool tomorrows and a distant light at the end of the long dark tunnel.

You are preparing to leave, perhaps upset that I have not come out to meet you in person.... the sound of your presence grows fainter still. Meet we shall, a few days / weeks later - in a different time and different place. For today I work to meet my deadlines and count the days as they pass....