and then life decides to surprise you...

Today was one of those days. You know you're not ready to face an Audit. You know things are screwed up at your end. You know you're shaking in your shoes. And then life decides to surprise you. The Auditor is ill, he only asks forthose crucial dox that you can provide, he doesn't harass you unduly....

It was one of those days. You've been following up for weeks. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight. The tunnel seems to stretch endlessly. You pull out your cellphone thrice to make another call. and just as you think of it again, it rings and you hear what you've been waiting to hear for so long....

It was one of those days. You sent off a message to your Boss asking for a day off. He calls asking what happened? You tell him and he offers to fly down and help. You're left speechless by the gesture. He's not the best but he ain't the worst....

And then you go down to dinner expecting the same slop. You ask what's for dinner and find that the cook has decided to make Chhole Chawal. With a side helping of freshly set Dahi. You eat and before you sleep you remember the good things that happened today and are grateful to the almighty for whatever you have experienced today.

Because today, life decided to surprise you....

It's almost 2 a.m.and the rain is here to keep me company

Welcome old friend. We've known each other a long time haven't we? Fom the day that I first became aware of you as you caressed my cheek to the day you helped me hide my grief to the present as I wait and count each day as it gets over....finding bits of shiny joy wrapped in brown paper and string in the most unlikely places.

We have traversed many paths together, sometimes in joy and sometimes in sadness. We've been through thick and thin, companions on a road that takes us where it is destined for us to be. You don't change much - your essence remains the same. Life resides within you and the relief that you bring is palpable. Your intensity varies but your intention remains unwavering, stead as a rock.

Once more you are here to keep me company as I traverse the landscape of my solitude. Once again you make your presence felt - a tapping on the window pane, a clatter on the metal sheet of the AC. And I am again grateful that you have come - the fragrance that the earth releases wafts in - promising cool tomorrows and a distant light at the end of the long dark tunnel.

You are preparing to leave, perhaps upset that I have not come out to meet you in person.... the sound of your presence grows fainter still. Meet we shall, a few days / weeks later - in a different time and different place. For today I work to meet my deadlines and count the days as they pass....

Confusion

I am a confused person today. My thoughts seem to run into each other much like particles exhibiting brownian motion. Random, higgedy piggedly with no end in sight. A constant race for supremacy. They spin around my head in a circular pattern like a snake devouring its own tail.

Where did this confusion arise? From the depths of my mind or from that place in my subconsious where I bury the hurt like I've always done? No. For a change it comes from without. It comes from trusting in a person so much that you always believe that they will hear the unsaid, understand your fears and help you find a way.

But then that burden sometimes proves too much for them even and at the end of the day you find yourself walking around with your thoughts in circular brownian motion and with a piece of bare truth and no comfort to keep the wolves of worry at bay.

I ask myself, was it right to have asked? What did I get out of it? And do not get an answer. I should not hope to find one. Because there are no right and wrong answers.

And I sleep with the hope that the night will bring in its wake a peace and a solace all its own and the morning light will come with a fresh perspective and coffee....

Where I've been and where I'm headed

The last time I posted on this blog I was in danger of becoming a nomad who went to book festivals and took atmospheric pictures and didn't give a fig in general about what happened elsewhere. Fortunately I have given up on that pseudo cosmopolitan existence and am firmly accepting my self for who I am - a sensible, grounded and hardworking individual who doesn't abide by pretensions.

I've been in a funk for a bit, feeling sick as hell and beyond hope. Slowly and Gradually I'm picking up the pieces and now I feel well enough to work on my life and what I expect to get from it.

I realised something was wrong the day rain made no sense for me. I had always loved the sound and smell of rain - the herald of life and the way it would bring freshness in its wake. I began to see it as tears, tears that I didn't have the strength to let go of.

And gradually it began to take over my conciousness and sense of self. That indescribable feeling that is neither pain nor an ache but just a deep and profound sadness that seems to take up a permanent residence in your soul leaving no room for happiness.

Now I'm ready, ready to begin again, to heal and let myself be - and allow myself to become the person that I am meant to be....